Live in the Present

For the past few months I've been waiting anxiously for the colleges in the U.S. to release their admission decisions. Way back in November 2009, I was stressed and frustrated trying to come up with good ideas for application essays and all that. After all the hard work I was quite confident about them actually, but perhaps TOO confident thinking that I will at least get into one of the schools I applied to.Well, yesterday was when the last admission decisions came out, and, just like the other ones which came out earlier - rejection.


Now that I think about it, I think I overlooked the fact that applying for financial aid as international student can really put one at a disadvantage. I've always ignored that fact and thought too highly of myself thinking I was THAT good and worthy of getting the aid. Mistake. Pride has blinded me from seeing the reality. And because of that I've been living under this illusion thinking that I WILL get in no matter how intense they claim the competition is. In my mind, I was so sure I was going to go to college in the U.S. I never really cared much about what was happening around me, nor was I interested in planning to settle here in Taiwan as I was convinced I was going to go to the U.S. after this summer. When the final rejections came, I finally realized it wasn't going to happen.


Suddenly everything around me seemed different knowing that I'll be living here for another few years. I started to appreciate the things around me more. For the last two months since I came back from Korea, I had this mindset thinking that this will only be a temporary settlement before I go on to college. And so I never really put much thought into familiarizing myself again with this place. It's kind of funny to see how ridiculous that idea was. After all, Taiwan is where I'm from and where grew up as a kid, and yet I perceived it as a foreign land. I was too focused on the future and overlooked the present I'm living in. It's funny because I didn't focus on the future as in worrying about it, but more like believing it has already happened. And that unrealistic belief has prevented me from really living in the present.


People often say to look to the future. But I think it's more important to live in the present and make it meaningful. I remember this Bible scripture from Proverbs 3:5-6 saying
       
      "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."


And I think I was kind of wrong in applying it to my life. I did believe that everything will work out in the future, but I didn't let go of the selfish mindset - I thought that promising future meant I will go to colleges in the U.S., which was what I wanted. As I reexamined my heart, I realized by thinking that way I was actually NOT letting God take control because I've already set the future for myself instead of waiting to see what God really wants for me. From then on I came to the realization that I need to really live in the present and do what I should do to live a meaningful life NOW. Yes there will be a promising future but what it will look like we won't know until God shows it to us. So we have to make every day count, and live a meaningful life because every day is a blessing and gift.


Now that God has revealed to me (or rather, hinted me) what His plan for me might look like in the near future, I am going to start living in the present and make an effort to make it meaningful. Time to start really settling in. This is going to be my home for the next few years. This near future wasn't exactly what I planned for, but it's God's plan for me. So it's time for me to accept and follow this path. However disappointing it was getting rejections, it doesn't matter anymore because I know there is going to be a promising future, and this time I know better not to selfishly presume my future; God will take care of it, just follow.